Coping with depression , my Dark Arts

mongoose330mongoose330 South AfricaPosts: 101Registered Users Major grins
edited July 26, 2018 in Other Cool Shots

I battl

ed with depression for a long while , then started to express those dark thoughts in my photos. I would spiral down into a dip , then by making images , usually selfies on how i felt about myself at that time , I would find i would be in the darkness shorter times. I also started to write stories that intertwined with the created photos , and i could bring all the feelings out and not let those nasty thoughts to fester in the dark and in silence.

I know its not for everyone. But I needed to see these disabling thoughts , i wanted to analyze and drag them into the light and then look at them , like facing ones fears.

I still get down , but i can cope with it now , I found a tool that works for me , although frightening and very profound and hectically honest , but it works , slowly the dark arty photos are taking on a bit of beauty .. for even in dispare and darkness is there beauty , you just have to look a bit harder

Allow me to have one delusion , A delusion of total devoted unwavering faith in my works , the wisdom to know what to take from criticisms to improve my art , and also when to stop irritating those big photographers whose egos are so big , you need a wide angle lens

Comments

  • mongoose330mongoose330 South AfricaPosts: 101Registered Users Major grins

    In this piece I found that my self taught training helped me with the descriptions and observations

    Sin. (Part 1 )

    There is something about this perceived thing called sin, on the surface it might seem to be the same for everyone, but deep down each person had their own mutant version that seemed to change at every thought.
    One moment my world was that perfect type of chaos that I call reality , next my little world became tilted and I was I looking down the precipice of tall building.

    I was standing on the edge of nothingness with soft cool wind in my hair.

    If only I had the courage , the strength and the selfishness ,my sins would end as soon as my atoms fused with the pavement below. I stood there looking down , the seagulls called in the sky , "Join us" they lied . The city below didn't care about my final ovation , the hum and cries didn't even stop , or pause or even try and catch their breath. Uncaring audience I thought,they wont even witness my destruction.
    The city laughed back ,as if reading my thoughts "We had a hand in your imagined destruction , we were a part of your sin." I open my mouth in silent protest , one word came out... " WHY ?" "Why what?" the city laughed , "Why did you get out of bed this morning ? Why are you about to spoil a number of people day and as your blissfully closed eyes explode on that old cigarette butt on the pavement ". I could almost see that small speck , like it was a target , one last thing to aim for in life. I imagined people below, Their first and their last memory of me seared into their mind forever. No amount of TV , no amount of religion , no amount of anything would ever get that image out their heads.
    "So much for a first impression "the pavement laughed , "Jackson Pollack paintings were way better than your what is going to your first impression i , and he was obliviously drunk when he created his masterpieces." The city said in a mocking tone " You are thinking ... , yes? Way to rationally " chimed the pavement , "
    Well not that rationally or you would not be talking to a pavement" laughed a parking meter . The pavement whispered ," Come jump off ,come talk to me , put your mouth closer to my ear so I can hear you" The pavement said this with his best concrete politician poker face. The lying birds laughed and cheered , " Fly , fly , fly " almost like a gaggle of backup singers.

    (End of part 1)

    Allow me to have one delusion , A delusion of total devoted unwavering faith in my works , the wisdom to know what to take from criticisms to improve my art , and also when to stop irritating those big photographers whose egos are so big , you need a wide angle lens

  • mongoose330mongoose330 South AfricaPosts: 101Registered Users Major grins

    Sin (Part 2 )
    The city base line hum never skipped a beat , a soft cool wind tiptoed across my face. There are not to many times in my life when I remember hearing myself self inhale a life giving breath , as that gulp of air entered my lungs , I could almost hear the whirlpools of air swirl in my throat , like quantum hurricanes, I could almost feel the little oxygen molecules pop as they enter my blood cells and . all this to the familiar sound of my beating heart , that rhythmic routine beat that I marched my life to.
    The city carried on its teasing , "Why? " it mocked , "why ..?" ,like i was supposed to know the answer and as that last word fused with the lies of the crying gulls the volume decreased , it was as if someone had started to turn the dial on the radio , and just like that my one and only schizophrenic savoir was back. My mind. My trickster , my saint , my deceiver , my unwrapper of hidden truths. A New York Minute they call it , it's like time slows and each thought can be touched , each sound can be tasted . You can magnify and throw yourself into a question , flip that question over and look at it from all angles.
    The outside world was crushed to an almost non existent slowness ,It was this self-created mini eternity that allowed me to make one of the most important decisions of my life.
    "Why?" I asked my mind. "Yes... why , why end it like this ?",I said talking to myself , almost in the same tone my mother would lecture me with. "Why end it in a impact of violence that every witness would want to forget? " I berated my mind. So much for my legacy , people would remember me for all the wrong reasons I thought as if this was a penciled in explanation in a text book. "Why , is it my perceived idea of other people's rules that has me wanting to give up my life ? " I argued , I sounded convincing , almost if i was standing on a pulpit passionately trying to convince myself of a faith I never had.
    "Terrible "I thought ," it's almost like they want me to die for their sins . I am not someone else's savoir " I said in a matter of fact tone of voice , almost flinching at this strange bit of blasphemy. I just realized that there I was arguing with myself on the edge of a building , so much for walking on water when I was about to try walk on air.
    If someone cared enough to look up they would applauded my choice of jumping , one less crazy person in this world. Just then the seagulls could be heard again " Jump , Jump , jump" they lied again. One wonders if birds ever spoke the truth. I pulled my mind back into focus .
    The slow motioned city below took on a liquid look , every color glistening invitingly , sparks of light reflected like shooting stars on the cars below ,like a sunset shattered on rippling water. Thoughts of my achievements in this life , thoughts of my failures , thoughts of those secret things that that I did that would fill my heart with joy.
    I bet some people thought I liked greasing the top step of busy stairways , almost as if my pleasure would stem from the roots of comedy , other people's pain. How wrong they would be , To see someone else wrapped in a cocoon of happiness , just for a split second . That gave me joy. I remembered that moment a bee landed on that ancient old ladies cats nose. The deeply etched lines on her face rebelled but obeyed as she let out a laugh that even she seemed shocked by. This small bit of slapstick comedy had resuscitated something deep inside her, something that had not been heard by the city or herself for decades. I caught that little masterpiece of hope out the corner of my eye , that fractured memory would always remain fresh in my mind . I fondly remembering letting out a roar of laughter while watching the local news on TV , An old piece of space junk , apparently the left overs from the cold war dropped in unannounced onto a school . " No fatalities " , the reported remarked . It was extremely lucky as this incident happened on a Sunday ,when no one was on the grounds. The camera panned over the sea of faces of the morbid onlookers ,but one small little face stood out like a lighthouse a little girl with a massive grin on her face. No school tomorrow , I could almost read those words in her face. That small moment of someone else's unexpected victory warmed and comforted my heart on many a night.

    End of part 2

    Allow me to have one delusion , A delusion of total devoted unwavering faith in my works , the wisdom to know what to take from criticisms to improve my art , and also when to stop irritating those big photographers whose egos are so big , you need a wide angle lens

  • mongoose330mongoose330 South AfricaPosts: 101Registered Users Major grins

    Sin Part 3

    I stood there on that ledge , oblivion just a choice away , thoughts of hopes and dreams , misdeeds , and perceived sins tumbled and rolled in my mind. My mind sorted all these snippets with lightning fast speed , putting them on scales , simplifying certain events allowing them to be weighed up against each other.
    Those scales tipped this way and that way , unbalanced ,suspensefuly undecided " Why?" As as I said that one word , my heart ached , I felt what I imagined a heart attack to feel like , I raised my hand and instinctively tried to comfort my heart,to shield it from any outside hurt. This wasn't a physical ache , it was deeper than that , my mind was trying to make sense of the this alien sensation . I stepped backwards before even been aware what I was doing .
    My mind raced along to back up that decision and a song popped into my head as if I was some jukebox had started to play some nostalgic old song. The hiss and crack of the needle on the deeply etched record would add to the authenticity. The lyrics seemed to glow in electric blue neon colors as the soundless song played in my head .
    " A heart that hurts , is a heart that works" I stood trembling and relived , so many conflicting thoughts , embarrassed and strangely comforted that most people were so self centered, so caught up in their own world that my actions were not seen. I still remember that moment , I could almost hear the disappointment in the seagulls cries , shrieks of disappointment fading off into the wind.
    The pavement took on a stony silence as today it would not be wearing another victim of perceived sin. The city grumbled to itself knowingly, there was no more sport to be had here . I stood there , with the thump of my heart drumming in my chest , a lifetime of memories and wondered why we as humans are at our best when on the edge of oblivion.

    End
    _**
    I just want too thank you all in advance , I know this is a photography website and forum , but i find and have found that my photography has led to a type of wisdom , something that can heal , and even help others. Its a outlet and a creative tool that can change my world. Every photo i have taken has led me here , and further. hope someone , can be inspired or helped by the Piece above.
    It helped me ...**_

    Allow me to have one delusion , A delusion of total devoted unwavering faith in my works , the wisdom to know what to take from criticisms to improve my art , and also when to stop irritating those big photographers whose egos are so big , you need a wide angle lens

  • StumblebumStumblebum I shoot, therefore I am Posts: 7,265Registered Users Major grins

    Good stuff!

  • mongoose330mongoose330 South AfricaPosts: 101Registered Users Major grins

    I started taking selfies as a tool to help me through the very sark times. I at first was concerned that i was becoming a narcissist , , but each photo i took allowed me to express and see how i felt at that time. The photos were raw ,, very critical , and very emotional. But i think its maybe the whole routine , of setting camera up , placing lights , checking focus , take photo , look at photo , then try and change direction and harness all that horrible dark nasty stuff and use it and create with it. And you know what , little by little , it helped

    Allow me to have one delusion , A delusion of total devoted unwavering faith in my works , the wisdom to know what to take from criticisms to improve my art , and also when to stop irritating those big photographers whose egos are so big , you need a wide angle lens

  • mongoose330mongoose330 South AfricaPosts: 101Registered Users Major grins

    I would be
    extremly angry

    and sometime feel like i was fading away ,a formless , invisible object

    I sometimes fely exacly like these photos , fading aw
    ay into the abstract

    Allow me to have one delusion , A delusion of total devoted unwavering faith in my works , the wisdom to know what to take from criticisms to improve my art , and also when to stop irritating those big photographers whose egos are so big , you need a wide angle lens

  • mongoose330mongoose330 South AfricaPosts: 101Registered Users Major grins

    and then i would take on the per
    sonality of what i like to call : the grey man , I would not interact witth people , , i would do what was needed , no more ,,,

    Allow me to have one delusion , A delusion of total devoted unwavering faith in my works , the wisdom to know what to take from criticisms to improve my art , and also when to stop irritating those big photographers whose egos are so big , you need a wide angle lens

  • JuanoJuano Major grins Brasilia, BrazilPosts: 3,318Registered Users Major grins

    Very powerful and deep.

    Great work, I think that the photographs are outstanding and convey angst in a very explicit way. What a great thing that photography is helping you channel these feelings. Thank you for sharing.

  • sarasphotossarasphotos Major grins Augsburg, GermanyPosts: 1,972Registered Users Major grins

    I agree completely with what Cristóbal said.

  • mongoose330mongoose330 South AfricaPosts: 101Registered Users Major grins

    y
    ing

    One concept i still try and that is to create a visual picture on how it feels when i am depressed , It changes , that i can tell you , but sometimes you feel like all the stuffing and circitry has been pulled out of your head , the chaos of 10 million thoughts seem to hover above me and almost drown all other thoughts. All this while i feel that I am invisible , my personality is fading away with each breath .

    Allow me to have one delusion , A delusion of total devoted unwavering faith in my works , the wisdom to know what to take from criticisms to improve my art , and also when to stop irritating those big photographers whose egos are so big , you need a wide angle lens

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